11 Years Later

It hit pretty hard yesterday morning while I was at the gym lifting weights. Yesterday was a beautiful Tuesday morning and what I thought I would be doing yesterday, what I thought I would be feeling, well, it just didn't go that way.

You see, Tuesday, October 14, 2003 (11 years ago), my husband called to tell me he had cancer. It was a shock. Yesterday I had hoped that we would be popping open a bottle of champagne to celebrate 11 years. Celebrate them because that day all those years ago was the beginning of a new life, a new journey.

Instead of celebrating, I found myself feeling the awful sting to my system just like that October 14 of 11 years ago. I felt angry and afraid and tormented. Today I just feel tired. It seems that the anger is being replaced by sadness. This feels very real.

And without writing about the alternate story, for the past few weeks, I was thinking we might be on the start line of a new journey. A happy one. In a new place. So, in addition to sadness, I'm also feeling defeated.

Eleven years after our cancer journey began, it begins again continues. Please, Heart, stop hurting. I'm tired.