Addy Grace

Wednesday, December 30, 2015 at 7:20 a.m. in The Woodlands…

For the past few days, I have logged onto Facebook more than ever before and searched for "Amy Krack Burton". Each time I’m hoping for an update on a precious baby girl I’ve never met. This tiny girl, created by our Almighty God, has already changed my life over the past several months. Because of Adalyn Grace Brown, I have grown closer to Jesus. Her parents’ faithfulness has profoundly touched my heart and through this young couple, I have grown in my own faith.

I do not at all understand the complexities of the Lord. He is too big and I am just way too small. What I do know is that God made Addy Grace for a reason. With God, there are no mistakes. She is a child who was born to Micah and Jessica for a purpose greater than they may ever comprehend. Her life was entrusted to these two people. When others might have been tempted to end a life, these two knew that their baby's life was precious and they have loved her since they knew she was conceived. Their love for their daughter has reminded me of the love that God has for His children. And nothing can separate us from that love.

If I could bottle up all the tears I have shed while I have prayed for this child and her parents, I would fill up all those Mason jars in my kitchen. My daddy used to tell me that when we don’t know what to pray, the Holy Spirit prays for us and that God sees our tears as prayers. So, I’m thinking that my tears and the tears of so many others have flooded Heaven over these past several months.

But it wasn’t just tears. It was worship. It was feeling a depth of compassion and love from the Lord. That was the interesting part. How is it possible that a baby before she was even born could bring so many of us so much closer to God? We have entered His throne room and have cried out to Him. We have learned from a young married couple that faith in God does not depend on our circumstances, but on His great love for us.

In honor of Jessica, a young woman whose heart has forever changed me, I am going to have a piece of jewelry made that says “She Laughs”. Jessica taught me to laugh without fear of the future.

Speaking of the future, we will all be together very soon. Our Lord will return. He will rescue us all from the darkness of this world. We will all celebrate for eternity. I will have the pleasure of dancing with Addy Grace and thanking her for giving me the great gift of knowing Jesus a little better.

Dear Jessica & Micah,
Thank you for sharing your faith with us. Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter with us. Thank you for honoring our Father in Heaven and for winning souls to Christ through your painful suffering. May the Lord Jesus bless you all the days you live on this planet.

Love from The Woodlands, Texas
Dana-Susan Crews

*to know more about Adalyn and her parents, please read their blog HERE.

Becoming a SEAL

For these things I weep;
My eye, my eye overflows with water;
Because the comforter, who should restore my life,
Is far from me.
My children are desolate
Because the enemy prevailed.

from the book of Lamentations, New King James Version

With the exception of only a handful of days this year, 2015 has been the most painful year of my life. If I could put the mental, emotional and spiritual stuff in terms of the physical, I would say that I have been beaten til I passed out over and over and over again. I have been thrown into a dark pit. I have been stripped naked and mocked. I have pleaded with God to give me a small break. I have begged him to just give me a few seconds of relief. And just when I think he hears my prayer and I'm getting a tiny break in the storm, I'm hit again.

Today I read this piece from a book by David Jeremiah called What To Do When You Don't Know What To Do...

They came up to the ensign and poured a glass of ice water down his back and threw another in his face. The ensign, who had fallen asleep in the chow hall after five sleepless nights, opened his eyes for a second, just long enough to utter a dull “Thank you, sir.” A moment later his eyes rolled upward and then closed. His head went down again. He didn’t touch his meal.

It’s called Hell Week and is part of the navy’s Basic Underwater Demolition School where sailors are turned into SEALs—Sea-Air-Land commandos. By undergoing a grueling regimen of sleepless days and nights, sensory overload, and physical testing, these men are transformed into some of the toughest human beings in the world.
This final period of torturous physical and psychological training begins on Sunday night with exercising and lying wet on cold steel plates, installed on a nearby pier.
On Monday the six-man teams are ordered to run races with 250-pound Zodiac rubber assault boats balanced on their heads. On Tuesday, with less than an hour of sleep the night before, they have to row those Zodiac boats to Mexican waters and back. On Wednesday the men continue the races with boats bouncing on their heads.
The chance to disenroll awaits each student. All he has to do is ring a certain bell three times and say, “I quit.”

By Thursday everyone is hallucinating. By Friday afternoon the week is over, and the new SEALs are lined up to be checked by a doctor.
Only in terms of the ugliness of war can punishment like this make any sense. By pushing these men to the very brink of insanity during times of peace, the navy is giving them the best chance to be ready to face the cruelty of real war if it comes.

In the Bible in the book of James, we are told to not be surprised when we're struck with various trials. We will endure times of intense testing and it might feel like there is no point. But God is not preparing us for great treasure here on earth or times of peace. He is preparing us for the ultimate war which is not against flesh and blood, but against an enemy much bigger than any "terrorist" we face in this world. Our Lord doesn't want a bunch of childish, immature, weak crybabies. He wants soldiers who have been tested, who chose not to ring the bell to be rescued, but continued to be tried so they could endure the cruelty of warfare.

ONLY IN TERMS OF THE UGLINESS OF WAR CAN PUNISHMENT LIKE THIS MAKE ANY SENSE.

May God help me to remember that I am not my own. He called me. I answered that call. My duty is to serve him and continue "hell week" like a champion. I will not ring that bell. I will not quit.

NED

What can you say when a year of confusion and fear has finally come to an end? Thank God! That's all I can think to say. 

October 2014 was the beginning of what has become the most challenging, painful year of our lives. My hope is that after yesterday's good news of NED (no evidence of disease), the other difficult circumstances will be coming to an end too. 

Lymphoma, you are HISTORY!

Making Cancer History

Twelve years ago this month, everything changed. We went from being young, strong and healthy to a cancer family. Once that happens, you're a cancer family for the rest of your life.

A year ago, Bill had his annual visit with his oncologist at MD Anderson Cancer Center. This was the very first time since the cancer journey began that I felt zero anxiety. In fact, I only accompanied him on this visit because I was in the area and had the time to go. It would be nice to say hi to everyone in the Lymphoma Department.

We sat there smiling and laughing and waiting to see our friend Rick (Dr. Fredrick Hagemeister, Bill's oncologist, has become a friend so it just didn't feel like a trip to the cancer doctor). When Rick walked in, though, he was all business. He didn't come in smiling and hugging us. He was disturbed and started talking about a very high cancer marker.

Instead of "you're doing great so we'll see you again in a year" we got the "you need more tests" thing we never wanted to hear again. And those tests were intense! One of the darkest moments came a few days later when another oncologist told us that there was a big tumor (then let us see it on the screen) and there were several "hot spots" which needed to be biopsied. Bill just really wanted to know if there was a chance this was all benign. The doctor very matter of factly just said, "of course it's cancer unless we can prove otherwise" and then showed us all the spots that were likely proof of cancer.

Our greatest fear was that it was a recurrence of lymphoma that had spread, but after an ultra sound, we were greatly relieved to hear this wasn't the case. In fact, of the 14 hot spots biopsied, 13 of them were benign! This was amazing news! The only bad part was the one spot combined with the still very high cancer marker. This put Bill in a "watch and wait" protocol, meaning we monitor this issue every couple of months to see if it gets worse and hold off on doing any treatments til it becomes a big deal (if it ever does).

During one of the visits, some more concern was raised when large lumps popped up on Bill's chest. More scans and more confusion because these are hard to figure out and are also being watched. The tissue is not normal and the blood work continues to be very strange.

So, for a year we've not been sure at all. This week he returns for more tests. Two months ago, the blood work was still not good but one of those cancer markers was down! So, I don't know if I should feel anxious or not, but I guess I don't feel either positive or negative. I would really like to put all this behind us. I'm so done with cancer.

A Speck In My Eye

Last night I was washing my face and accidentally got a little piece of my exfoliant in my eye. One tiny piece and the pain was excruciating! Thankfully I finally fell asleep, but when my husband's alarm sounded at 3:30 a.m., I woke up and it felt like someone was sticking a toothpick in my eye.

I tried everything to get it out. Finally I was free of that thing at around 10:30 this morning. Weird how a thing like this can remind you of something from the Bible. In Luke 6:42 it says, "How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Well, I didn't have a plank, but the speck in my eye made me think about how people judge. I live in a town filled with judgment. Without knowing anything at all about your life, your circumstances, your current troubles, people will judge you harshly. In fact, we live in a world that (I think thanks in part to social media) allows us to say whatever we think about anything without really knowing all the facts.

I do believe in right and wrong, but I also believe that only God can truly judge our hearts and He's the only one who really knows the circumstances of our lives. He also is the ONLY ONE who can tell us what to do and if someone else doesn't understand that, it's not really their business.

Today when the speck was removed from my eye, I was able to see clearly again. I can't really be much help to someone if I am walking around with a speck in my eye. I can't help them remove the speck from their own eye if I've got one. It hurt and it caused very blurry vision. Imagine if I had a plank instead of just a speck!

Later this afternoon while walking the dog, I was thinking about some of the things people have said or done that have hurt me this year and how at least one of those people has come to me to ask forgiveness. Truly I have forgiven everyone even if they haven't asked. If I wanted to, I could dwell on those hurts and those things they have done. But I've done things that have caused others to hurt too. I was talking to God and saying, "I know you aren't going to show me all the bad stuff others have done because between you and me, you gotta show me what I have done so I can stop doing the bad stuff and behave myself right!" That's how it works. He shows me the speck or plank in my eye.

Just so you know, my eye is free of the speck, but there is some residual pain left. I guess it was scratched in all this. It will serve as my reminder to keep my own self clean before I go judging others and trying to remove their specks.

Comfort Us So We Can Comfort Others

If you never experience loss or defeat, how can you help people who are suffering those things?

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

God comforts us when we lose. He comforts us when we get hurt. He comforts us when we fail or get sick or suffer. Those are the times we need comfort. When we're winning, we don't need comfort. When we're healthy and strong and things are going well, we don't need comfort. It's during the dark and difficult times that we need comfort. And God is faithful to comfort us every time we hurt. I have much personal experience with this so I know.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately because I've had to watch my family torn apart this year by some troubles so big we can barely breathe. All four of us have experienced defeat and destruction, some of it as a family unit and some as individuals. Over and over I have said that I can bear my own hurt, but I don't want my kids to suffer.

But that's so very wrong of me. If I keep them from suffering, I keep them from the blessing of experiencing God's comfort during the bad times. If I try to create this perfect little world for them, I rob them of the blessing of pain. They need to know what it feels like to lose. They need to know what it feels like to be lonely or afraid or sick or lost. They need to know what it feels like to make a C on a test when they worked super hard studying for it. They need to know what it feels like to come in last place on a race they've trained hard for. They need to know what it feels like to not have enough money to buy something they want.

Why do my kids need to suffer and why should I not stand in the way of their suffering? Because without the bad stuff, they have no need for a Good Savior .Without suffering, they don't need Jesus to come in and rescue them. And without suffering, they have no idea what other hurting people are enduring. They cannot truly and profoundly care about the suffering of others unless they also have experienced pain.

And when my kids receive comfort from God, they will then be able to comfort someone who is hurting. And that's why they exist. They are not here to store up great awards and treasures for themselves. They are here to love God and to serve Him.

Pain and suffering make us better people in the end. The weakest people are those who had everything handed to them and who always won. Those are the ones who have no idea how to truly love someone and how to comfort those who are suffering.

The strongest people are those who endure hardships. Those are the ones who learn to depend on God and who truly understand that His grace is sufficient. When I am weak, I am strong.

As much as I feel hurt and defeated by this year, I know it's producing something good. As much as I hate seeing the defeat of my children, I know that ultimately, they will be better, kinder, much more compassionate people as a result of their suffering. So, thank you Lord for the suffering of my children. Thank you for your comfort. Now, please take the four of us and use us to comfort those who are hurting today.

Why Me?

Anytime I'm tempted to ask God why He chose us for these battles, I get a text or email or phone call from some newly diagnosed cancer patient or their caregiver or their best friend or their mom. They're hoping I can help them get into MD Anderson or navigate the process or advise them on ways to combat treatment side effects. You name it, I've heard it, seen it, felt it.

Bill and I have grown weary of the cancer journey. It is a race with no finish line. You just keep running and running and running. One year ago we heard that his disease had likely recurred and spread to the prostate. Had this been true, it would have probably resulted in the end of his life. Thankfully, there was no lymphoma.

But there was something. Just what, we still don't know. And there are some weird tissue abnormalities in his chest too. So, for a year now Bill has gone in for scans, blood work, etc. every two months as part of a "watch and wait" protocol.

I really don't know what any of this means. I only know that the road we're on is a long one and seemingly endless. Neither of us is stressed about cancer. We are just tired sometimes of this being our story. We are the ones who agreed to go public with our journey. And we have lived out the good, the bad and the ugly before everyone's eyes. 

Bill lost a friend through this. Actually, in my opinion, this guy was no friend because friends don't do what he did. He accused Bill of lying about his cancer to get attention. Here's the deal... there are people in this world who like negative attention. There are sympathy seekers. There are liars who pretend to be ill because they thrive on that kind of attention. But Bill Crews is NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE! In fact, he didn't want to tell anyone about what happened in that exam room a year ago. That was me! And I in no way did it for attention. I wanted to tell the world because I wanted my REAL friends to pray for God to heal my husband and I was staying true to our agreement we made a dozen years ago to keep our story public to raise awareness. Awareness means more funding for research. More funding for research means the eventual development of better therapies.

It has never been easy for us to open up our lives like we do. We would prefer to be unknown. Or to be known for something really cool like our super amazing talent in endurance sports (ok, that doesn't really exist, but it would be so fun if that were what we could be known for). Being known as the "cancer family" might seem really cool, but it's a tiresome choice we made. I will be very clear here- we do NOT want anyone's sympathy. Not back then. Not now. Not ever. Do NOT feel sorry for us. We don't. Our story is a positive one. 

We know way too many families who don't have the kind of good news we so often receive. They are the reason we keep raising our voices. They are the reason we open our mouths and tell our story and share so many others' stories too. The public needs to know about cancer and how it affects people so that maybe they will donate money to research.

Bill's former friend is lucky I haven't seen him since his ugliness toward my husband. He has no idea what it was like for Bill and me on that gloomy day in that exam room. We were sitting there hoping that oncologist would say, "oh, this is no big deal" and send us home. Instead it felt like a punch to our guts when he said, "You have a really big tumor here and of course it's cancer unless we can prove it's not". Add to that the many "hot spots" he pointed out on the scan which, combined with the very high cancer markers, "PROVED" it was cancer, as soon as he walked out of the room, I started crying. That is not normal for me.

I was tempted to ask God "why us?" that day. We had been considering a big move to a place where we've wanted to live for a long time and we had to turn down that life to remain in Houston with cancer. Since that day, we have endured some of the most troubling of times and there are times I want to turn my eyes up to God and say "why us?"

Then my phone rings and some young mom is crying into my phone saying "mi hija tiene leucemia y no tenemos dinero" (my daughter has leukemia and we don't have money). Or I get an email from the LLS asking me to do a "First Connection" call to a young lady whose husband has stage four lymphoma and she desperately wants to talk to someone who understands. I really don't have time to ask God "why me" because He's so busy showing me why.

I am so grateful to be married to a great man who loves God and his family and who works hard taking care of us. I'm glad that he has handled his illness with faith and confidence. We won't shut up about it. It's our calling. So, if there are any "friends" out there who have a problem with our talking about our journey, they can just stay away. 

Today, I don't ask "why me?" because I feel better saying "Thank you God, for choosing me."

On My Way Back

It's been a while since I've posted on this blog. The other one is a little easier to maintain. This one has been changed often and I have considered changing it again, but not today.

Sometimes it's hard to think back to the young, happy times. But there are moments when I want to close my eyes and remember those times. Today I'm thinking about what was happening in our lives 20 years ago. I'm thinking about the people we were and the attitude we had about life. Bill and I were both cheerful and filled with passion. That's why we liked each other. We had loads of fun together. In fact, that fun spirit is what defined our relationship.

I miss the people we were. At 25, I was young and healthy and active and looking forward to all the amazing things life would present. I would never want to go back to that age and relive this very difficult life, but right now I would like to bring some of the energy and enthusiasm for life I had then back to me now. Why should joy leave us in middle age? Why do the cares of this world and the troubles of life weigh me down and suck me dry of that joy?

My husband and kids deserve to see me happy. They need me happy. And no matter what is happening in my life, I can choose to be happier. I can choose to see the positive like I did in my 20s. My sour attitude about the problems we've faced has influenced my husband and my kids. Shame on me! They all feed on my emotions. So, today I'm making a decision to change myself. I will keep the wisdom I've gained from my painful moments, but I will reload the youthful zeal for life I once had.

Look out world, I'm coming back!