NED

What can you say when a year of confusion and fear has finally come to an end? Thank God! That's all I can think to say. 

October 2014 was the beginning of what has become the most challenging, painful year of our lives. My hope is that after yesterday's good news of NED (no evidence of disease), the other difficult circumstances will be coming to an end too. 

Lymphoma, you are HISTORY!

Making Cancer History

Twelve years ago this month, everything changed. We went from being young, strong and healthy to a cancer family. Once that happens, you're a cancer family for the rest of your life.

A year ago, Bill had his annual visit with his oncologist at MD Anderson Cancer Center. This was the very first time since the cancer journey began that I felt zero anxiety. In fact, I only accompanied him on this visit because I was in the area and had the time to go. It would be nice to say hi to everyone in the Lymphoma Department.

We sat there smiling and laughing and waiting to see our friend Rick (Dr. Fredrick Hagemeister, Bill's oncologist, has become a friend so it just didn't feel like a trip to the cancer doctor). When Rick walked in, though, he was all business. He didn't come in smiling and hugging us. He was disturbed and started talking about a very high cancer marker.

Instead of "you're doing great so we'll see you again in a year" we got the "you need more tests" thing we never wanted to hear again. And those tests were intense! One of the darkest moments came a few days later when another oncologist told us that there was a big tumor (then let us see it on the screen) and there were several "hot spots" which needed to be biopsied. Bill just really wanted to know if there was a chance this was all benign. The doctor very matter of factly just said, "of course it's cancer unless we can prove otherwise" and then showed us all the spots that were likely proof of cancer.

Our greatest fear was that it was a recurrence of lymphoma that had spread, but after an ultra sound, we were greatly relieved to hear this wasn't the case. In fact, of the 14 hot spots biopsied, 13 of them were benign! This was amazing news! The only bad part was the one spot combined with the still very high cancer marker. This put Bill in a "watch and wait" protocol, meaning we monitor this issue every couple of months to see if it gets worse and hold off on doing any treatments til it becomes a big deal (if it ever does).

During one of the visits, some more concern was raised when large lumps popped up on Bill's chest. More scans and more confusion because these are hard to figure out and are also being watched. The tissue is not normal and the blood work continues to be very strange.

So, for a year we've not been sure at all. This week he returns for more tests. Two months ago, the blood work was still not good but one of those cancer markers was down! So, I don't know if I should feel anxious or not, but I guess I don't feel either positive or negative. I would really like to put all this behind us. I'm so done with cancer.

A Speck In My Eye

Last night I was washing my face and accidentally got a little piece of my exfoliant in my eye. One tiny piece and the pain was excruciating! Thankfully I finally fell asleep, but when my husband's alarm sounded at 3:30 a.m., I woke up and it felt like someone was sticking a toothpick in my eye.

I tried everything to get it out. Finally I was free of that thing at around 10:30 this morning. Weird how a thing like this can remind you of something from the Bible. In Luke 6:42 it says, "How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Well, I didn't have a plank, but the speck in my eye made me think about how people judge. I live in a town filled with judgment. Without knowing anything at all about your life, your circumstances, your current troubles, people will judge you harshly. In fact, we live in a world that (I think thanks in part to social media) allows us to say whatever we think about anything without really knowing all the facts.

I do believe in right and wrong, but I also believe that only God can truly judge our hearts and He's the only one who really knows the circumstances of our lives. He also is the ONLY ONE who can tell us what to do and if someone else doesn't understand that, it's not really their business.

Today when the speck was removed from my eye, I was able to see clearly again. I can't really be much help to someone if I am walking around with a speck in my eye. I can't help them remove the speck from their own eye if I've got one. It hurt and it caused very blurry vision. Imagine if I had a plank instead of just a speck!

Later this afternoon while walking the dog, I was thinking about some of the things people have said or done that have hurt me this year and how at least one of those people has come to me to ask forgiveness. Truly I have forgiven everyone even if they haven't asked. If I wanted to, I could dwell on those hurts and those things they have done. But I've done things that have caused others to hurt too. I was talking to God and saying, "I know you aren't going to show me all the bad stuff others have done because between you and me, you gotta show me what I have done so I can stop doing the bad stuff and behave myself right!" That's how it works. He shows me the speck or plank in my eye.

Just so you know, my eye is free of the speck, but there is some residual pain left. I guess it was scratched in all this. It will serve as my reminder to keep my own self clean before I go judging others and trying to remove their specks.

Comfort Us So We Can Comfort Others

If you never experience loss or defeat, how can you help people who are suffering those things?

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

God comforts us when we lose. He comforts us when we get hurt. He comforts us when we fail or get sick or suffer. Those are the times we need comfort. When we're winning, we don't need comfort. When we're healthy and strong and things are going well, we don't need comfort. It's during the dark and difficult times that we need comfort. And God is faithful to comfort us every time we hurt. I have much personal experience with this so I know.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately because I've had to watch my family torn apart this year by some troubles so big we can barely breathe. All four of us have experienced defeat and destruction, some of it as a family unit and some as individuals. Over and over I have said that I can bear my own hurt, but I don't want my kids to suffer.

But that's so very wrong of me. If I keep them from suffering, I keep them from the blessing of experiencing God's comfort during the bad times. If I try to create this perfect little world for them, I rob them of the blessing of pain. They need to know what it feels like to lose. They need to know what it feels like to be lonely or afraid or sick or lost. They need to know what it feels like to make a C on a test when they worked super hard studying for it. They need to know what it feels like to come in last place on a race they've trained hard for. They need to know what it feels like to not have enough money to buy something they want.

Why do my kids need to suffer and why should I not stand in the way of their suffering? Because without the bad stuff, they have no need for a Good Savior .Without suffering, they don't need Jesus to come in and rescue them. And without suffering, they have no idea what other hurting people are enduring. They cannot truly and profoundly care about the suffering of others unless they also have experienced pain.

And when my kids receive comfort from God, they will then be able to comfort someone who is hurting. And that's why they exist. They are not here to store up great awards and treasures for themselves. They are here to love God and to serve Him.

Pain and suffering make us better people in the end. The weakest people are those who had everything handed to them and who always won. Those are the ones who have no idea how to truly love someone and how to comfort those who are suffering.

The strongest people are those who endure hardships. Those are the ones who learn to depend on God and who truly understand that His grace is sufficient. When I am weak, I am strong.

As much as I feel hurt and defeated by this year, I know it's producing something good. As much as I hate seeing the defeat of my children, I know that ultimately, they will be better, kinder, much more compassionate people as a result of their suffering. So, thank you Lord for the suffering of my children. Thank you for your comfort. Now, please take the four of us and use us to comfort those who are hurting today.