Here We Go Again?

For the first time since my husband's cancer diagnosis 11 years ago, I had zero concern. It's strange. Every time he goes into MD Anderson for a check up or a scan or for anything at all, I have at least a little anxiety. But not this time.

My 16-year old daughter said the same thing. "Mom, this was the first time in all these years that I wasn't worried."

Another interesting fact is that although I have attended various appointments with him over the years such as small surgical procedures, I have not gone with him to a follow up with his oncologist since July 2006 when he had his final infusion of Rituxan. Not sure why exactly. I always knew the doctor might deliver bad news and tell him that his cancer was back. I never wanted him to face that news alone, but we have become really good friends with his oncologist so I always felt like he wouldn't be alone. He was with a good friend. Actually, Rick Hagemeister is more like family to us.

But Thursday, October 9, at the last minute, I decided to go to his doctor appointment. And I had absolutely no worry. That's why it felt like a punch to my gut when Rick did not walk in and start chit chat about life, but instead delivered bad news. His PSA is 16. What? I've never even paid attention to his PSA before!

Bill has blood cancer. It's incurable, but we've seen incredible advances in the past 11 years and Bill is living and those cancer cells have remained inactive for many years. We have always known they could stir up again and the lymphoma could come back. We have always known that there was the possibility of a secondary cancer (most likely AML). So when we heard his PSA was so high, it was quite the shock.

Typically, if the PSA is under 4, there's no reason for concern. Bill's has always been 3. So, why on earth is it now 16? Is there any way that this number as well as the symptoms he's had (back pain, trouble urinating, etc.) are just a bad infection? If infections sometimes turn out to be cancer, then is it possible that cancer might turn out to be an infection?

I'm mad. It's that simple. I've never been mad about this before, but I am now. Always before, I've just been sad or scared or determined or prayerful. But right now I'm angry. Angry at cancer. What a stupid, ugly, bullshit disease!

And here we go again with the waiting! Bill can't have the consult with the urologist til Thursday! Thursday afternoon! And we leave Friday morning for a marathon event in San Francisco. So we have to wait, wait, wait. Always waiting!!!

These past 11 years have been intense. We've had incredibly bad times and we've had incredibly good times. We've had incredibly sick times and we've had incredibly healthy times. We have loved each other through it all, but right now I'm wiped out. And I'm mad.