Caregiver

It's a beautiful morning in San Francisco. Bill has left to grab coffee before the staff/coach meeting for Team In Training and I'm looking at Facebook before I shower and head down to shop at the expo. How I love the atmosphere of a race! And this one is really fun. Nike Women's is just super girly and cool.

I wish I were happier. I wish the dark clouds of cancer weren't hanging over our heads. But I suppose we've been through this storm before and we can do it again. It's just that this time we feel so old and worn out!

When I was 33 years old and strong and healthy, I went into the fight against lymphoma as a different person. I actually felt like a tough soldier then. But this time I'm so tired. And my kids...

This part is so difficult. They aren't five and three years old anymore. They are 16 and 14 and they understand perfectly what's happening. It's exceptionally hard on Morgan. Her dad is her daddy and her best friend all in one.

And then there's Bill. He's scared. He's determined and filled with faith, but that doesn't mean he isn't afraid. He's been through cancer hell before so he knows how ugly it is. He's trying to brace himself for the pain and torture of treatments (even though we have no idea what he's going to endure there).

Interestingly, when you are the caregiver (that's my role for so many years I feel I should write a handbook: Caregiving for Dummies?), you do not have time to feel. You have to reserve all your feelings for another day because this is some serious work and there's no time to wait. Once I return from San Francisco, it's all business. I have to make sure the entire house is in order and that everyone knows their roles. I gotta remember to buy bleach.

After the first three years of cancer, it hit me one day that I had not allowed myself to feel any real emotions for a long time. And it needed to come out. Sadly, there weren't a lot of others around who understood those feelings. This time, I won't make the mistake of going at it alone. I will have to be quiet about my feelings for a while, but then I'll be sure to talk to other caregivers who've been down this road and know exactly how it feels.

Cancer. Stupid, ugly cancer.